February 17, 2008

Our Deepest Fear - stolen from somewhere

Our Deepest Fear

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, "Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?"

Actually, who are you not to be?

--in a movie i cannot remember the name of, this quote was attributed to W. E. B. DuBois... i find on the web, it was by a woman named Marianne Williamson. regardless of who this original thought belongs to, it is worth pondering, sharing, remembering. so, here's to all of you, give everything you can, even if you think there's nothing left. someday, somebody may surprise you, and point out the best things youve missed about yourself for way too long.

Posted by sin at 06:52 PM | Comments (0)

January 02, 2008

feet

for those who do not visit the naughtycloset forums, i am reposting my latest 'news' topic here in the blog:

over the past few years, the naughtycloset family has pulled together when one of us is in need. its usually in the form of emotional support, but more than once, its pulling together to assist someone financially. we have, in the past, donated money to people at the drop of a hat, no questions asked. we just do it. thats the way we are.

closetmonsters are a different breed of people. if you're one of us, then you know how true that is. if you arent, maybe one day you will understand, but i doubt it.

previously, someone's distress was discussed privately, through an email, or by text message. sometimes, its even a phone call. someone who just needs to vent, to get things off their chest. most of the time, those are aimed toward me. then ive quietly approached gimpi, therock, or cyberdad. we'd discuss privately, gather donations in secret, and then make a semi-anonymous donation to the friend in need. i recently realized that there's a better way... that way takes too long, for me, at least. so i started questioning our methods and thought of a different option.

hence my newest idea.... i'll call it "feet". you'll soon understand why.

after discussing with several people who have contributed previously, and a couple who said 'i would have, had i known you guys were taking donations.' we have implemented a different way to accept donations. the contributers have given it their blessing, and we'll move forward now to how this will work.

last night, i set up an email address feet @ naughtycloset.com and a corresponding paypal account with the same address. this is in hopes that over time, those who have given previously, and those who would like to do so in the future, can send money at any time, day or night, throughout the year. a couple dollars here and there adds up over time, and means a lot to the person who needs it. sometimes, that little bit is all they have.

people who find themselves in need can request funds from the feet account. i'll discuss it with the other contributors and we'll take a vote. provided the person has good reasoning (and generally we know the person's situation anyway, since we support emotionally as well) and that there is enough funds in the account, we will send a donation to the person.

we hope to help people get back on their feet as soon as possible.

if you'd like to contribute, please donate to feet @ naughtycloset.com and help others 'get back on their feet'.

thanks,
nic

-note- since the forums post that was made less than ten hours ago, we have already received donations to the 'feet' account. isnt that great?!

Posted by sin at 09:44 PM | Comments (0)

January 01, 2008

The Old/New Year

im sure many people are spending last night and now today reflecting on the year just past and their hopes for the year to come. this very minute, bloggers all over the world are filling their cyberhomes with posts about the past present and future... hopes and dreams, tragedies and woes. wishing for things that might have been and might well be... so like 'everyone else' i'll do the same. 2007 was not a good year for me. i dont have many of those anyway. yeah, i know, im young. i have my whole life ahead of me, but unlike most people my age, my lifespan wont be nearly as long as theirs. cancer, illness, bad luck... have all followed me for quite awhile. and will continue to do so in the future. so, without further adieu, i'll share my story.

i turned 25 in 2007. i had an 'ok' job working at a 'trendy' jewelry store. i didnt really care for my coworkers, though i grew to be rather close with a couple of them. through that job, i met my friend erika, who has become one of the most awesome people ive ever had the pleasure of calling my friend. id consider her my best friend (and yes, its ok to have more than one 'best' friend... i have several.) i got a promotion in that job. and while it had shit for pay there were really good benefits. i also met mara from carlsbad, though over time we grew apart. i thought once that i could trust her. now im pretty sure i was wrong. its quite possible (later in 2007) that mara had something to do with me losing that job. today i sit here and say "im glad i did". not many people get happy about being fired, but this loss opened up a much better employment opportunity to me.

i met new people, forgot most of them. could really give a crap. i nearly lost a good friend due to my brutal honesty. and his inability to be my friend when i needed him the most. im glad cory doesnt hate me anymore. (and yeah, G, admit it, you DID hate me for awhile.) and i am so glad you and gnimsh came down for spring break. that was a blast and we should do it again sometime.

our sibling-site 247fixes and our very own therock247uk received the microsoft mvp award for windows security. we have plans to fly out for the big hoopla in april. hold on to your hats guys, therock is comin to america! (and we're all scared.)

i got closer with my sister and my mom. unfortunately, that also changed. i havent seen my sister in over a week now. appears shes too good to hang out with her family. and she cant be bothered to answer our calls. that makes me sad. mom and i have become better friends. i can attribute that mostly to the loss of my dad. we needed someone to lean on, and we both found each other.

and as i mentioned above, i lost my dad this year. he was a flight nurse who died in the line of duty. i honestly cannot relate how much that hurts. how i wish things had been different and i know i cant go back and change them. if i had it to do all over again, i would... but it still wouldnt have prepared me for the heartache and misery i feel every day. theres nothing like waking up every morning feeling lost and dealing with the emotional upheaval every time someone mentions his name. or driving into the parking lot of work every morning and staring at the place my dad was working when the plane went down (my new office building is almost right next door to the roswell southwest medevac base.) i look over at their plane (a new one) nearly every day. and when i see it take off, i say a prayer that my friends there will make it back home safely. im pretty close with a couple of people that still work there. who knew and loved my dad probably as much as i did.

and then i got sick again. found that out two days before the crash. never got a chance to tell dad. still trying not to admit that its back and feels a bit worse than it did before. maybe some slight part of that is because of the emotional issues surrounding his death. the day my doctor released me to go back to work from bereavement leave, they fired me. whoop-ti-fucking-do. two days later i already had another job (which i absolutely love). a couple months later i found out my liver was failing. spent a week on my deathbed before they figured out that it was tylenol poisoning from the pain medication i was taking for the cancer stuff. (it was a pill with 10mg of hydrocodone to 650mg of acetaminophen - i was taking six pills a day minimum... when you stop to think about it, taking 5000mg of tylenol a day is not healthy for ANYBODY. this went on for nearly 3.5 years before we figured this out.) because of the long term poisoning, i will probably never recover full use of my liver. "at best" i have 50-70% normal liver function now. lovely thought, isnt it?

so the year in review was bad and good. im thankful for my family and for my 'real life' friends like erika, monica, kelly and jody, eli, chris, priscilla... a few others. and for my closet friends (you guys know how much i love yall, but im not gonna sit here and list all thirty-seven thousand of you).

and now my hopes for 2008...
i hope nobody dies. :) that's all.
(ok, there's one person id like to see dead, but its not nice to name names. :P)

Posted by sin at 04:15 PM | Comments (1)

November 30, 2007

never

i got a text message from one of my coworkers, a 'forward', which i normally hate, but i thought this would be a good one. for me, it came at one of those 'right time right place' situations. it was something that made me feel better, something i needed to hear. it was worth passing on:

Never say you’re happy when you’re sad.
Never say you’re ok when you’re not.
Never say you’re alone while I’m alive.

Posted by sin at 10:47 PM | Comments (0)

November 26, 2007

waltzing

i wonder what people are thinking when they decide they're going to disappear off the face of the earth for awhile and then change their minds and try to waltz back into someone else's life... i've never understood that, and i probably never will. you cant just leave, vanish even, and then all of a sudden show back up expecting everything to be the same. it isn't, especially if you did something to hurt someone else, intentional or not. if anyone knows a 'good' explanation for this phenomenon, i'd be happy to hear it.

Posted by sin at 10:45 PM | Comments (0)

November 22, 2007

thanksgiving day

Thanksgiving Day.

So, uh, I probably have a lot to be thankful for, but to be honest… I really don’t care. I don’t get the fact that we have to have a national holiday set aside to be “thankful”. Shouldn’t we ALWAYS be thankful? Honestly again, none of us (in general) actually stop every day and thank |insert random deity here| for everything good in their lives. I don’t know anyone who does that. Maybe that’s why we have to make it a national holiday? Pretty sad. So…

I guess I could write a list of what I’m thankful for. I’m glad I have a family to share the holidays with, even if they drive me crazy. I’m thankful that I have good friends to come save me from my family. I have enough – food clothes and shelter. I even have a lot of “nice” things. I have a good/decent job. So many people don’t have what I have and I feel sorry for them. For some, its for reasons beyond their control. For others its simply because they don’t work for it. Nothing in life comes free. Everything has its price. So, now, I ask you. What are YOU willing to pay?

Posted by sin at 11:45 PM | Comments (0)

November 19, 2007

what the fuck was i thinking?

what the fuck was i thinking?! i'll tell you what i was thinking. i was thinking that you were my friend. i was wrong. i hate admitting that i'm wrong, but i'll do it if i am. so here i go: I WAS WRONG. YOU are an ASSHOLE. not only do *i* think you're an asshole, so does my shrink. so what does that make you? it makes you a fucking prick AND an asshole. i hope you're happy.

Posted by sin at 07:12 PM | Comments (0)

November 17, 2007

happy birthday, dad

Happy Birthday, Dad!

I love you and I miss you so much.

God, how I wish you were here.

Posted by sin at 08:38 PM | Comments (0)

more lyrics... 'dry your eyes'

Today I was talking with someone about so-called 'music quality' and decided to put "my" speakers and subwoofer up against the wonderfully awesome Bose speakers on another computer. the Bose won hands down on music quality when played at a higher volume, but couldnt hold a candle to the bass that my regular speakers and subwoofer put up... we decided to play this particular song "dry your eyes" by The Streets, one that i'd borrowed from subwolf back when he lived here... (special note, if you watch the video and read the lyrics some of the song has been cut out of the video - the fuckin just fuckin etc part... guess even british television censors shit.)

its an incredibly sad song when you sit and listen to it. makes you think of all the things that never were, could have been but werent... depressing. but its a really sweet song when you think about it. *sniff* and i remember crying to this song more than once, for several different reasons and memories that i wont share.

Lyrics are as follows:

In one single moment your whole life can turn 'round
I stand there for a minute starin' straight into the ground
Lookin' to the left slightly, then lookin' back down
World feels like it's caved in - proper sorry frown
Please let me show you where we could only just be, for us
I can change and I can grow or we could adjust
The wicked thing about us is we always have trust
We can even have an open relationship, if you must
I look at her she stares almost straight back at me
But her eyes glaze over like she's lookin' straight through me
Then her eyes must have closed for what seems an eternity
When they open up she's lookin' down at her feet
Dry your eyes mate
I know it's hard to take but her mind has been made up
There's plenty more fish in the sea
Dry your eyes mate
I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts
But you've got to walk away now
It's over
So then I move my hand up from down by my side
It's shakin', my life is crashin' before my eyes
Turn the palm of my hand up to face the skies
Touch the bottom of her chin and let out a sigh
'Cause I can't imagine my life without you and me
There's things I can't imagine doin', things I can't imagine seein'
It weren't supposed to be easy, surely
Please, please, I beg you please
She brings her hands up towards where my hands rested
She wraps her fingers round mine with the softness she's blessed with
She peels away my fingers, looks at me and then gestures
By pushin' my hand away to my chest, from hers
Dry your eyes mate
I know it's hard to take but her mind has been made up
There's plenty more fish in the sea
Dry your eyes mate
I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts
But you've got to walk away now
It's over
And I'm just standin' there, I can't say a word
'Cause everythin's just gone
I've got nothin'
Absolutely nothin'
Tryin' to pull her close out of bare desperation
Put my arms around her tryin' to change what she's sayin'
Pull my head level with hers so she might engage in
Look into her eyes to make her listen again
I'm not gonna fuckin', just fuckin' leave it all now
'Cause you said it'd be forever and that was your vow
And you're gonna let our things simply crash and fall down
You're well out of order now, this is well out of town
She pulls away, my arms are tightly clamped round her waist
Gently pushes me back and she looks at me straight
Turns around so she's now got her back to my face
Takes one step forward, looks back, and then walks away
Dry your eyes mate
I know it's hard to take but her mind has been made up
There's plenty more fish in the sea
Dry your eyes mate
I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts
But you've got to walk away now
It's over
I know in the past I've found it hard to say
Tellin' you things, but not tellin' straight
But the more I pull on your hand and say
The more you pull away
Dry your eyes mate
I know it's hard to take but her mind has been made up
There's plenty more fish in the sea
Dry your eyes mate
I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts
But you've got to walk away now.

Posted by sin at 04:03 PM | Comments (0)

November 14, 2007

new favorite songs...

i recently acquired the Amy Winehouse CD "Back to Black" and I *really* like it. There's a couple songs on there that I seem to like more than the others, though to me the entire CD is pretty fucking awesome. She has some hella hair - see the links to videos... Here's the lyrics:

"Back to Black":
He left no time to regret
Kept his dick wet
With his same old safe bet
Me and my head high
And my tears dry
Get on without my guy
You went back to what you knew
So far removed from all that we went through
And I tread a troubled track
My odds are stacked
I'll go back to black
We only said good-bye with words
I died a hundred times
You go back to her
And I go back to.....
I go back to us
I love you much
It's not enough
You love blow and I love puff
And life is like a pipe
And I'm a tiny penny rolling up the walls inside
We only said goodbye with words
I died a hundred times
You go back to her
And I go back to
We only said good-bye with words
I died a hundred times
You go back to her
And I go back to
Black, black, black, black, black, black, black,
I go back to
I go back to
We only said good-bye with words
I died a hundred times
You go back to her
And I go back to
We only said good-bye with words
I died a hundred times
You go back to her
And I go back to black

And then there's "Tears Dry On Their Own":

All I'll can ever be to you
Is a darkness that we knw,
And this regret I got accustomed to.
Once it was so right
When we were at our high,
Waiting for you in the hotel at night.
I knew I hadn't met my match,
But every moment we could snatch,
I don't know why I got so attached.
It's my responsibility,
And you don't owe nothing to me,
But to walk away I have no capacity.
He walks away,
The sun goes down,
He takes the day but I'm grown
And in your way,
In this blue shade
My tears dry on their own.
I don't understand,
Why do I stress a man,
When there's so many bigger things at hand,
We could've never had it all,
We had to hit a wall,
So this is an inevitable withdrawal.
Even if I stop wanting you
A perspective pushes true,
I'll be some next man's other woman soon.
I couldn't play myself again,
I should just be my own best friend,
Not fuck myself in the head with stupid men.
He walks away,
The sun goes down,
He takes the day but I'm grown
And in your way,
In this blue shade
My tears dry on their own.
So we are history,
Your shadow covers me,
The sky above
A blaze
He walks away,
The sun goes down,
He takes the day but I'm grown
And in your way,
In this blue shade
My tears dry on their own.
I wish I could say no regrets,
And no emotional debts,
Cause as we kiss goodbye the sun sets.
So we are history,
Your shadow covers me,
The sky above a blaze that only lovers see.
He walks away,
The sun goes down,
He takes the day but I'm grown
And in your way,
In my blue shade
My tears dry on their own.
He walks away,
The sun goes down,
He takes the day but I am grown
And in your way,
My deep shade,
My tears dry on their own.
He walks away,
The sun goes down,
He takes the day but I'm grown
And in your way,
My deep shade,
My tears dry...

Posted by sin at 08:46 PM | Comments (0)